Ode to Spam

This post has been transferred from an older blog, with minor edits and updates.
Original post date: 8-Oct-2008.

Again I am getting return messages, “Delivery Status Notification (Failure)”, to emails that I never sent in the first place. Their common denominator is that they all refer to viagra and other sexually enhancing or “recreational” pharmaceuticals, to which I have no connection whatsoever. The original messages were never sent by me, but whenever one cannot reach its destination it will be returned to me as if I was the sender. Consequently, whenever one does reach its destination, and statistically there must be many that do, it carries my name. It is clearly visible in the returned original.

So spam agents are using my personal email address as the alleged sender of viagra spam. This is not nice, to say the least. At best my personal email address will end up getting blocked by every spam filter worldwide. At worst I will have people believing that I am indeed a viagra spammer, something which could severely impede upon my social standing.

It is bad enough when email inboxes are flooded by spam from anonymous or nonexistant sender addresses. But this is really low. This is getting personal.

I have nothing nice to say about spammers. They are the kind of people who crash an otherwise perfectly good party and wreck it, destroying furniture, breaking the music records and the stereo, throwing insults at the legitimate partygoers, exposing their and others’ genitals to the children, throwing food and drinks around at everybody, urinating on the hostess, and generally spoiling the fun. I would have them locked up if I could. Or better yet, have them labeled “I am a spammer. Kick me!” on their backs, and then release them to the public.

My personal message to the spammers would be: By your actions you serve no purpose; you have no value; you neither earn nor deserve any respect. You are the small group of abusive cowards who spoil it for everyone else, hiding behind anonymity and obscurity. I shall cherish the day that you are found and brought out in the open to face justice.

Incidentally, this message is nearly identical to what I would say to terrorists and certain politicians.

No love,



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