Cats are amazing

Cats are the only life form known to Man, or Science, that can not only exist both as a liquid and as a semi-solid at room temperature, but also in a quantum state in which they possess all levels of liquidity, viscosity and elasticity in between.

They are capable of both infinite inertia (infinite mass with zero energy) and instant acceleration (zero mass and infinite energy) with no detectable transition time between the two, almost to the point of overthrowing E=mc² as the standard reference in traditional Relativity. Additionally they seem occasionally immune—or oblivious—to the direction of gravity and the boundaries of solid matter.

That, and the inexplicable ability to display either infinite intelligence or abysmal stupidity in such a manner as to leave you, the observer, disconcertedly wondering which.

(At this point the author began to develop rather painful muscle cramps from adding all those Wikipedia links, meaning that the rest of the article, for now, will contain relatively few.)

This article was supposed to include a photograph of a cat. Alas, as quantum objects cannot be simultaneously observed and measured, I was unable to capture even a single one.

Consider a falling cat, landing safely and unharmed on its paws even when dropped from considerable height. Quantum field observations have suggested that this is due not to the flexing and twisting of the falling feline’s physique, but rather a quantum field warping of near space, i.e. a temporary redefinition of the “downward” direction in relation to the cat’s trajectory, triggered by the cat itself. The apparent twisting of the cat’s body is merely a quantum/optical illusion resulting from its four-dimensional motion, in addition to three dimensions that we are able to observe with the unaided eye.

Understanding this phenomenon may ultimately lead to the invention of manned vehicles capable of seemingly instant, faster-than-light travel, popularly referred to as “Hyperspace”, enabling us—for starters—to begin colonization of planets orbiting nearby stars.

I would be careful in assuming that this is a deliberate act on the part of the cat, but postulate instead that it is merely a natural reaction by the immediate surroundings to the presence and motion of the cat, much like a medium sized asteroid may have its trajectory altered by, and subsequently impact cat-astrophically with, the Earth thanks to the gravitational influence of the planet.

Some say that in order to understand the Higgs Boson, otherwise known as The God Particle, we must first look at and understand the cat, otherwise known as the Egyptian god Bastet. I say that the cat is the Higgs Boson.

And that, in the words of Forrest Gump, is all I have a to say about that.

Disclaimer: If you’ve been mislead to believe that this rather nonsensical article speaks actual science, which it doesn’t, you may console yourself with the fact that there are more cute kitten videos on YouTube than anywhere else in the known Universe.

2 Responses to Cats are amazing

  1. The Old Wolf says:

    You must scratch me there!
    Yes, above my tail! Behold,
    elevator butt.

  2. bmonk says:

    It is not a coincidence that Schrödinger used a cat to illustrate his quantum paradox. I think it also likely that Heisenberg had a cat when he came up with his Uncertainty Principle, since, as noted, a cat can transition instantaneously from an immovable object to hyperspeed velocity. Thus, at that moment, we cannot know its velocity–and even its position is up for grabs.

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