Basket Primadonna Case

In the several years since we got it, we’ve never actually caught Suri using her basket weave cat bed. We still haven’t. This is the neighbour’s cat’s identical bed that she’s taken up residence in. Poor Caesar isn’t allowed to use his own, and she sure as heck won’t let him use hers either. The beds are only a few feet apart, so she’ll know if he tries, and she’ll make him regret it if he does.



What the Mighty Huntress brought in

After the initial shock of discovery has worn off, we’re still debating whether she actually laid down her prey, or decided to go for the more characteristic approach of collecting fallen fruit, so to speak.

Either way, this unfortunate feathered fellow had been discretely and unceremoniously deposited on the living room floor in our absence, and only the quickest of reflexes on my part as we returned home saved it the indignity of becoming rather pancaked underneath a size 45 (11½ US) left foot. It has since been relocated to a somewhat more worthy resting place where nature may go about its business without too much human interference.

What the Mighty Huntress brought in
Photo © Bjørnar Andre Haveland

The feline huntress in question has so far declined to comment on the matter.


Curiosity and the Cat

Curiosity and the Cat


“What doesn’t kill you, only makes you wiser,” said Curiosity to the cat.

The cat didn’t really listen. After all, Curiosity tended to go on and on about even the smallest trifles once it had something stuck in its mind, and the cat knew from experience how some of those trifles could lead to serious trouble or, what was worse, loss of dignity. It would be better, thought the cat, if Curiosity would see it fit to shut up now and then. “I may have nine lives,” she mused, “but my dignity must have ninety-nine, at the very least, or I’d have none left by now.”

Curiosity’s grasp on the value of dignity appeared to be marginal at best, yet it had the gift of persuasion, if only by persistence alone. The cat, however, was learning. “You can only get stuck in awkward places so many times,” she thought as she painfully remembered being hauled, helpless, scared and pathetically wet from inside that white bowl the humans used to sit on, “before you begin to see a pattern.”

Losing one’s footing on precarious perches was one of those things Curiosity varyingly referred to as “an occupational hazard,” “a calculated risk,” and “a price worth paying in the name of finding stuff out.” The cat wasn’t quite sure how to argue with this, but she sensed that somewhere there was a fault of sorts in the reasoning behind it. It might have to do with the fact that it was always she, not Curiosity, who tended to wind up on the unpleasant and often sticky end of things.

This time, she had decided, she would to the best of her ability ignore anything and everything that Curiosity might have to suggest, even at the risk of seeming rude. “Instead,” she declared, “I shall sit here and study this little stream of water for a little while.” And she was rather pleased with herself for being so determined about it.

Curiosity didn’t really mind. It knew very well that it would take at most five minutes for the spell to break, and for things to go back to normal.

Photo and words © Bjørnar Andre Haveland

Cats are amazing

Cats are the only life form known to Man, or Science, that can not only exist both as a liquid and as a semi-solid at room temperature, but also in a quantum state in which they possess all levels of liquidity, viscosity and elasticity in between.

They are capable of both infinite inertia (infinite mass with zero energy) and instant acceleration (zero mass and infinite energy) with no detectable transition time between the two, almost to the point of overthrowing E=mc² as the standard reference in traditional Relativity. Additionally they seem occasionally immune—or oblivious—to the direction of gravity and the boundaries of solid matter.

That, and the inexplicable ability to display either infinite intelligence or abysmal stupidity in such a manner as to leave you, the observer, disconcertedly wondering which.

(At this point the author began to develop rather painful muscle cramps from adding all those Wikipedia links, meaning that the rest of the article, for now, will contain relatively few.)

This article was supposed to include a photograph of a cat. Alas, as quantum objects cannot be simultaneously observed and measured, I was unable to capture even a single one.

Consider a falling cat, landing safely and unharmed on its paws even when dropped from considerable height. Quantum field observations have suggested that this is due not to the flexing and twisting of the falling feline’s physique, but rather a quantum field warping of near space, i.e. a temporary redefinition of the “downward” direction in relation to the cat’s trajectory, triggered by the cat itself. The apparent twisting of the cat’s body is merely a quantum/optical illusion resulting from its four-dimensional motion, in addition to three dimensions that we are able to observe with the unaided eye.

Understanding this phenomenon may ultimately lead to the invention of manned vehicles capable of seemingly instant, faster-than-light travel, popularly referred to as “Hyperspace”, enabling us—for starters—to begin colonization of planets orbiting nearby stars.

I would be careful in assuming that this is a deliberate act on the part of the cat, but postulate instead that it is merely a natural reaction by the immediate surroundings to the presence and motion of the cat, much like a medium sized asteroid may have its trajectory altered by, and subsequently impact cat-astrophically with, the Earth thanks to the gravitational influence of the planet.

Some say that in order to understand the Higgs Boson, otherwise known as The God Particle, we must first look at and understand the cat, otherwise known as the Egyptian god Bastet. I say that the cat is the Higgs Boson.

And that, in the words of Forrest Gump, is all I have a to say about that.

Disclaimer: If you’ve been mislead to believe that this rather nonsensical article speaks actual science, which it doesn’t, you may console yourself with the fact that there are more cute kitten videos on YouTube than anywhere else in the known Universe.

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